Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
