yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
