So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
