I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
