tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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