my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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