He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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