i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
