I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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