i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
