Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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