I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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