I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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