Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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