cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Drake has all the answers
True strength comes from lack of pants
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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