I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
