I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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