At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
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The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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