Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
