I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
