i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
