Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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