im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
