Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Don't tell me you're on acid again
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
