I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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