my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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