My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
