Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it glows. i had to have it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
