If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh god it's open bar.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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