the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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