it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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