ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize