Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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