My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
