If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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