Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
