Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Your cock deserves a montage
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
