is your mom at the bar?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What drink are we having for lunch?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
