Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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