I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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