I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
