yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
