he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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