I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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