Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
