Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
