my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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