just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
