I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
