What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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