my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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