i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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