you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
