Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
