Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
farters have to be the big spoon...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
