wanna go halves on a baby?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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